I love the book of Ephesians—some of my favorite verses are found there. In this book originally written to the church in Ephesus, Paul is writing to “faithful followers of Christ," providing both truth and further instructions of how to live out our lives as just that—faithful followers. In chapter 4, he writes:
“Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future.”
Ephesians 4:1-4
These are some of the most powerful verses in my opinion on how to live out our callings as faithful followers. Not just to love, but to become lowly in our service in love. Not doormats, just intentional servants who are committed to the cause. “A prisoner for serving the Lord” by choice despite our selfish inclinations. They leave no holes or questions. Make how much effort in this? “Every effort.” When should we be humble and gentle? “Always.”
We read that passage, pull apart the meanings, and nod along with every aspect as Paul fleshes it out. He continues it through the book zooming into different aspects of our lives and how those should play out backing it up with the gospel. Chapter 5 he tells us to "Imitate God in everything we do"—a tall order to fill, no doubt, but he's setting the standards for our focus here. And this is how I sort of see us reading this book:
Lead a life worthy of our calling. “Yes.”
Be humble and gentle. “Yep.”
Patient with one another. “Mhm.”
Make allowance for others’ faults. “Of course.”
Make every effort to remain united in the Spirit-- with every person. “Absolutely.”
Submit to your spouse. “I'm sorry?”
Have you noticed this? We’re all fine and well with being lowly to absolute strangers and people we find difficult and then when the latter part of chapter 5 hits on marriage, we throw our hands out like “whoa there Paul, that’s too far.” Why is it we are willing talk about and to be servants to any and all but we start treading lightly when it comes to submitting to our spouse?
Go back to that moment in the garden with me when Adam and Eve have eaten the fruit, hidden, been found, and tried their best to cast blame elsewhere. Let’s talk about the part that came next—the consequences.
“Then he said to the woman,
“I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth.
And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”
Genesis 3:16 (emphasis added)
Why is it I wonder that we have fully accepted the first part of her consequences to be true and simply a part of life but fight with everything we have against the second? I don’t know about you but I think in the past I have just skipped right over that minor little detail. And I don’t know how else to say this, but there's no epidural for that one. We're gonna feel that at times, because we're supposed to. However, there is protection and provision for it.
A couple of weeks ago, my daughter who is 3 asked for some candy one morning before church. This wasn’t Easter, so the answer was "not until the afternoon." So when I found her eating some just minutes later, she was in deep. And the consequence for her actions were that when the boys got to have their candy later in the day, she wouldn’t be getting any because she had chosen to go outside of my good boundaries for her.
She cried and apologized, and I forgave her. Shortly after, she wanted to know if she could now have candy when the boys got theirs, and I of course said no, because that was still her consequence for her choice. She then cried again and said, “I just want you to love me!” (She's really good at her trade). I had to hide my smile but patiently explained that of course I love her and I had fully forgiven her, but consequences come with our choices. We are fully given, but our consequences don't go away. But neither does her favor with me.
I think sometimes when we talk on submission, women’s roles, Eve’s creation and then her consequences in the garden, we feel less favored from God. That these consequences or the way marriage functions reflects how God views us. As lesser entities. He doesn’t. We will feel the truth of his words and they will chafe within marriage at times because they are supposed to. But that is because we as humans chose to sin. We are fully forgiven and fully loved, but like Garnet, the effects remain. Consequences aren’t supposed to be pleasant, but they are set to be protection. On top of this, God has designed marriage to function a certain way—with the husband as the head of the house.
I fully believe in these verses, yet sometimes it rankles and sometimes I’m perfectly okay with it. What is the difference when we volley between these two responses? Well, it boils down to which we are feeding: the Spirit or the flesh? Am I aiming to glorify God or am I aiming to glorify flesh? Because if I’m coming from a self-serving aspect, yes being under someone else’s leadership doesn’t sound that great.
When I am in tune with my living my purpose for God, I don’t feel that pushback. It isn’t that this consequence spoken in the garden isn’t always true, it’s that in the moments we’re walking the way we’re supposed to, consequences aren’t needed. My rules for my daughter Garnet are always the same, but on days when she obeys, she does not feel the effects of the consequences. Much the same, the antidote for Eve’s consequence, and also ours, is a marriage with mutual submission.
Ephesians 5: 21-33
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
First of all, if you’re struggling with this, take the first step by thinking of it as “submit your will.” This isn’t talking about stomping out all of your hopes and dreams, never being important, or being viewed as anything other than a cherished human being—it is a submission of will. But it’s a submission of will to each other in different ways.
If we're being really honest, sometimes we just flat out don't like to be told what to do. But I think another reason we struggle immensely with the separation in roles here is because we mistake our roles in marriage as order of importance. The husband is the head of the household, but this does not mean he is greater or better than the wife in terms of importance or value. What it means is that someone has to be the leader and protector of the family and in God's good design, that is the husband.
Wives, as submitting to the Christ, and husbands as Christ loves the church. The woman’s greatest need from her husband is to be cherished above all else in his life (outside of God) and the man’s greatest need from his wife is to be respected ultimately (outside of God). When one is in place, the other is easy. Problem is, both contributors are human.
For a woman’s heart, it isn’t as simple as not being cherished. When this is absent, it borderlines on rejection, because it feels very much like we are not enough or worthy of such. The reason is because the wife is very aware that someone or something is capable of catching the husband’s attention, just not her. In other words, something is captivating, but not me.
For the man, it is much the same. Every woman respects someone or something in her life. Usually multiple people and/or things, because let's be honest, our brains have more tabs open. When the husband knows and sees her capability to respect in other areas but never finds himself the recipient of such, there is no other response but for it to feel personal. Likewise, something in her life is worth her respect, but not me.
Both of these roles—these ways to love one another—have to be practiced. They are where we set out gaze ultimately in life. They cannot simply be felt, they must be acted upon and demonstrated daily. Women, it is not enough for you to simply respect your husband in your mind, does your tone also reflect this? Does your consideration of him in even decisions regarding the children show this? Is he respected as the head of the household in all of the big decisions? This doesn’t mean you do not have just as much welcome to make decisions and be a part of decisions, but it does mean you aren’t in charge. It is ultimately him.
Husbands, it is not enough for you to simply be willing to lay down your life for your wife, are you doing it in small ways every day? Does hunting, fishing, golfing come before her feelings and considerations or are they scheduled first and she is simply informed? This does not mean nothing is ever yours and you can never do something for yourself—but it does mean that being the role of Christ in marriage, sacrifices should be made. As the leader of the Christian household, you are also the head servant.
Wives, we play a huge part here. Part of our Christian woman mindset has drilled in us to be so self sufficient and sacrificing, we do not allow her husbands to love us sacrificially. We view it as weak and/or selfish, and so we hide our needs or put ourselves last always. We don't ask for help with the kids or our emotional stressors. There’s honor in this, but this. is. not. the biblical model of the church submitting to Christ. While this illustration cannot be matched in full, it is here to help us navigate by comparison.
Picture: if I am not honest with Christ about my frustrations, needs, thoughts, fears, I have either believed 1). He cannot handle it. 2). It’s disrespectful. Or 3). He doesn’t want me to be happy. None of those are true. Jesus can handle even our frustrations, it is not disrespectful to ask Jesus for help, and he does want our good ultimately. Now, we know from the entirety of the bible we cannot live for our happiness, but we also cannot go through life treating our husbands as though we cannot ask or let them love us sacrificially. Such would not be submitting as the church to Christ—such would be becoming Christ, entirely self-sufficient and only giving.
Yes, the husband's job is to love you, and yours to respect him. But a huge part of that respect is you allowing and being honest about that with him. If I don't allow Christ’s sacrifice to come into my life and change the way I live, it's saying that his sacrifice isn't needed. That he is not needed. Our husbands feel much the same. Marriage is modeled after this, and I’m to submit in allowing my husband to love me in this way—not always pretending I need or want for nothing.
Lastly, it’s not respectful to keep our opinions and hopes and dreams to ourselves. This is not what it means to submit. We do not grow as women with callings and then lose our voice when a marriage license is signed, we have joined our voice with another—becoming one. Both important halves to a whole. Submission is for both parties, and respect is the way we do our part. When we fail to communicate important things to our husbands, we are communicating nonverbally that our husbands could not handle it or wouldn’t care. That’s not fair to them and it will end up creating great resentment, not wholeness or respect. In fact, I would argue never communicating our disappointments to our husbands would be disrespectful to strong men who can handle it and do care.
The truth is, nothing about Ephesians 5 changes from the rest of the book. It just zooms in closely to marriage and says, “yes, even here, submit and serve.” Then it gives us the recipe for how to do so successfully. Most importantly, this mutual submission is out of reverence for who? Christ. And even if that were the only reason, that would be worth it.
Submission doesn’t mean losing yourself; it means dying to self. It takes honesty about what we need and feel. It takes humility 24/7. It takes praying together and for each other. Submission does not mean lesser. Christ was equal with God and yet gave up his divine privileges to save you and me. Submission is not weak; it takes great strength. It’s not about being lower; it’s learning to become lowly. It’s about glorifying God in every relationship—even the closest one with the potential to try us and hurt us the most.
These roles in marriage, they aren’t our purpose or position of favor. Our purpose is to always point to God, loving him and loving others. In marriage, this is simply the role in which we will live this out. I get it wrong daily, but there is grace to cover where we fall short.
It's hard to know how we feel about submission. We aren't even sure if we are living it sometimes-- even if we agree wholeheartedly. It's honestly hard to spell out a how-to, because every family will function differently in how it plays out. But before you go, read these verses again, but this time under the premise of marriage. They may have been written with the premise of how we should treat everyone, but how does it sit with us when it's applied to marriage? Because the same would apply to our spouse as well. And as you go through the day, mull these verses over and allow them to check your spirit.
“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future.”
Ephesians 4:2-4
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