To the beginner,
You stand there, feeling like just a dreamer, a pretender, unsure, counting the costs. Jump in or stay safely on the shore? It’s scary to try—and equally so not to. In this new venture, there’s no guarantees. You certainly don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t even know what you don’t know. What if you fail? What will others think? What will they say? What will your own family and friends say? Will people think you know what you’re doing? Or worse, what if they find out you don’t? You aren’t even certain of the calling. The only thing you’re sure of, despite all obstacles, is that you want to.
My cautious, worry prone four-year-old asks me out of the blue one day: “Do I not know how to swim?”
Pausing from my task, I answer, “No buddy, not yet, but you’re gonna learn soon and then you’ll be able to swim all by yourself!”
Thinking on that, he asks, “Does Daddy know how to swim?”
Still wondering where he’s going with this, I respond, “He sure does, and mama does too!”
Small pause... “Does grandma know how to swim?”
Having more questions than when we started, I answer, “Oh I’m sure she does, Bear!”
Clearly asking another unspoken question I’ve inevitably not cleared up for him, “Do some adults not know how to swim?”
I think over his question and wonder briefly how to respond to my little worrier. Not knowing what he’s really getting at, but knowing his heart, I just say, “Yes there’s probably plenty of adults that don’t know how, but I’m sure they could if they tried!” And still unsure if I’ve satisfied his curiosity, I tack on, “But Bear, do you want to know a secret? Before we all knew how to swim, we didn’t. We all had to learn.”
And then the words meant to reassure my four-year-old suddenly sounded very profound to me. He’s just concentrating on physical capability to learn a (in our opinions) simple skill and become a big kid. It’s no problem to someone who has done it thousands of times—for fun much less—but it’s an entirely different concept for someone who can barely wrap their head around buttoning his own pants. But the feelings behind this we can all relate to—scary, uncomfortable, entirely insecure in uncharted waters (pun intended). Because as adults, we feel that same thing, maybe even magnified. He may have fear that he won’t be able to learn, but he doesn’t have the added expectations of feeling like he should be further than he is. Meanwhile, we’re all out here just trying to look like we’re not failing or utterly lost, afraid to try something new, and even more afraid to say we don’t know lest we look like anything other than experts. And while our fears may be more complex and the venture less easy to pinpoint, the solution is the same. If someone doesn’t know how to swim, the only way to learn is to get in the pool and do it. But first we have to say we don’t know how.
Everyone wants to be an expert before they start. When we say it out loud, we realize how crazy that sounds, but we still don’t have a problem living our life in fear of beginning. In mulling this over, I researched what even defined someone as an expert. The widely accepted definition of the term was someone who obtains “comprehensive and authoritative knowledge,” of a particular subject or field but what struck me most was the quote: “experts are curious about their fields and recognize the limitations of their own understanding of it.” Well, if it’s necessary and characteristic of the expert to recognize their own limitations in the field where they are considered an expert, it can’t prove wrong for me to realize my own complete lack of knowledge and skill as a beginner. But this knowledge, like the expert, should propel me into motion instead of holding me back.
I remember sitting in a college class when I was at the time, a fashion design major. We were studying various designers and their stories. I wish for story’s sake I could remember who it was, but I can’t. This particular designer, however, taught herself to sew and make patterns by taking her doll clothes apart, familiarizing herself with the pieces, and learning on a smaller scale. In that process, she was simply saying “I don’t know, but I’d like to.” She took something that seemed scary and intimidating and physically broke it up into pieces in which she could understand until she was able to understand the garment as a whole. She just started bit by bit—all she knew or could do. And while I cannot currently recall her name, her story has stuck with me for 10 years now, not because of what she became, but because she just took the plunge to start. She became a renowned fashion designer! And I’d imagine anyone who saw her last collection would have trouble imagining her as ever being anything other than the success she’d become. They may even have the inclination to feel vastly inferior to her and her accomplishments, but at some point, she was just someone who didn’t know how to sew. Someone who simply had a little want-to paired with a bold step of courage to begin. And that’s the hardest yet most crucial step in our own lives. Sometimes the biggest thing separating the dreamer from the expert is the decision to begin.
Yesterday was the very first day that I fed our almost 1-year-old some chicken. I broke up very small pieces of a soft chicken tender, and he scarfed them. The bits of chicken were so small it seemed to me like he would never be able to get enough, but quicker than I realized, he had eaten a whole chicken strip! That’s a lot for a little guy! And while it didn’t seem like much was being ingested piece by piece, it added up to be the same amount as our 2-and-a-half-year-old ate. It doesn’t make a difference to his body how it got there. It still provided the same amount of fuel, still just as effective and containing the same amount of protein as the whole, but he just went at his own pace. Just the same, never did he think he was uninvited to try it simply he's never had it before—he just enthusiastically ate the next bite in front of him!
Feeling unqualified does not mean you are disqualified. You do not have to be an expert, and furthermore, will never be one if you refuse to begin. What is it that you’ve been asked to do or maybe felt called to do that you feel entirely unequipped for? Lead a bible study? Start a new hobby? Begin a new business venture? Disciple someone younger than you in the faith? Start a family? Write a blog? Start reading your bible? What is it that you desire? There’s more power in simply the longing you’re feeling than you are giving credit for. Just start. Stop believing the lies, obeying the worries that are holding you back. They can come in all forms. Ironically, I am no one to speak, but allow me to practice what I preach by giving you permission that perhaps you have not given yourself. You are not too old. It is not too late. You are not too young. You are the person for the job. Yes, you. God will give you what you need. In fact, if our goal is to give God the glory in our stories and lives, why do we insist on feeling and looking 100% ready for everything he calls us to? Why are we not glad to seem weak for his sake?
I recently read a quote from Emily P. Freeman that offered me so much freedom in my own self-doubt. She said “you have the permission to be a beginner.” Wow. A simple statement that for some reason I have fought for so long. Just allow yourself to be where you are.
“Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant. If they watch every cloud, they never harvest. Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. Plant your seed in the morning and keep busy all afternoon, for you don’t know if profit will come from one activity or another—or maybe both.” Ecclesiastes 11:4-6
The farmer plants the seed, but who created the seed, the soil, the water, and the farmer? And who is it, according to these verses that does all things? God. Just plant the seed. There are occasionally moments in which I feel so compelled to step out in faith or so strong in my emotions about a decision, but honestly, more often, my decisions and steps of obedience have felt much more like these verses. More like, “I don’t know God, but I’m going to step out and keep taking steps to see where you’re leading me.” But in that moving forward, encouragement and God’s provision have been divinely planted along my path to keep moving and keep trusting. Bit by bit, until I’ve understood in full.
I know that one day I’ll look back on this blog and particularly this post and I can already feel the thoughts I’ll have. “So long, disjointed, too wordy, shortsighted, too much, not enough,” and the list will go on. That list would have kept me in the fetal position afraid to press ‘publish’ in the past, but today, it will be that same list that makes me move. I’m going to publish it anyway, because this time, I hope I look back on this post and feel that way. I hope I look back and marvel at how far I’ve come, because that would have to mean I’m further than I was and that I’ve kept moving despite all odds of wanting to quit or hide. I’ll look back and be thankful for every stepping stone, because they’ve each played a vital role of leading me to where I’m standing now.
To the beginner, bravo, you are not just a dreamer, because you’ve done the hardest part already. You’ve taken the first step in your journey, the hardest and yet most crucial part, and you are moving towards making it a reality.
Comments